The Headlines: POLITE PROBE LANDS ON AN ASDA

POLITE PROBE LANDS ON AN ASDA

Kurt Reptile - Asda Correspondent

An amenable clump of aliens paid a flying visit to the Chorley branch of Asda last night. Landing their space probe upon the roof of the super-market, the twenty-two extra-terrestrials from the planet Mandy slid down a handy drain-pipe and proceeded through the revolving doors by magic. They purchased thirty-seven bilberry bon-bons and a bap, then made off sharpish.

Shopping assistant Marcia Plank, 62, was working the crowds at the time. "I hardly noticed them slipping in. Giles [Petersen, the store greeter] handed them each a basket and a pamphlet and shone them a smile. I thought it were just kids playing around with make-up and

I think I saw an alien come down

weapons. It was when they assimilated the deli counter that I became suspicious, but I was too busy with my neat tome."

Dave Braid, a 37-year-old whale operative from Bolton, was loitering in the pick 'n' mix section at the time. "I saw these little blokes dive into that Wendy House... after something of a barney they filed out... one of them riding a kiddies trike faster than anything, ever."

CCTV footage reveals the fun-sized fiends appreciating the in-house bakery and scouring the George clothing range. "They voted with their feet," notes

Braid. "One of them took control of some panties. There was some fire... an experiment, I imagine."

The bill came to £137 which was duly paid on a debit card under the name of J Redwood. One of the genial gents was seen to sign the Switch receipt "with a cigar-shaped object", although cashback was not offered since company policy restricts its use to carbon-based lifeforms.

"I gave them a wink and a jolt on the way out," smiles Plank. "One of them fell into a hedge. Then they were gone, and I'd lost time."

Kurt Reptile - Asda Correspondent
An amenable clump of aliens paid a flying visit to the Chorley branch of Asda last night. Landing their space probe upon the roof of the super-market, the twenty-two extra-terrestrials from the planet Mandy slid down a handy drain-pipe and proceeded through the revolving doors by magic. They purchased thirty-seven bilberry bon-bons and a bap, then made off sharpish. Shopping assistant Marcia Plank, 62, was working the crowds at the time. "I hardly noticed them slipping in. Giles [Petersen, the store greeter] handed them each a basket and a pamphlet and shone them a smile. I thought it were just kids playing around with make-up and	I think I saw an alien come down
	weapons. It was when they assimilated the deli counter that I became suspicious, but I was too busy with my neat tome." Dave Braid, a 37-year-old whale operative from Bolton, was loitering in the pick 'n' mix section at the time. "I saw these little blokes dive into that Wendy House... after something of a barney they filed out... one of them riding a kiddies trike faster than anything, ever." CCTV footage reveals the fun-sized fiends appreciating the in-house bakery and scouring the George clothing range. "They voted with their feet," notes	Braid. "One of them took control of some panties. There was some fire... an experiment, I imagine." The bill came to £137 which was duly paid on a debit card under the name of J Redwood. One of the genial gents was seen to sign the Switch receipt "with a cigar-shaped object", although cashback was not offered since company policy restricts its use to carbon-based lifeforms. "I gave them a wink and a jolt on the way out," smiles Plank. "One of them fell into a hedge. Then they were gone, and I'd lost time."