The Headlines: HENRY AND BASIL IN VACUUM WAR

HENRY AND BASIL IN VACUUM WAR

Edna Justinal - Cleaning Operative

Britain looks set to be blasted through history tonight as fighting intensifies between rival factions in the Henry versus Basil "vacuum war". Cleaning staff throughout the country have fallen foul of their own wet/dry appliances, which onlookers claim have acquired sentience and lights. Ostensibly a conflict between two complementary models in Numatic's budget medium-duty range, the machines are taking no prisoners in their ongoing rampage through the schools, offices and temples of the realm.

The fighting sparked off yesterday afternoon, shortly after home-time at Penge C.E. Primary. Security footage shows cleaning operative Gladys Cracky slowly losing control of her Henry. Once free, it shoots off backwards down a corridor under its own steam, smashing into the school Basil. The two devices are then seen to rear about and attack each other with gusto and attachments.

Let battle commence

This and subsequent incidents across the land have been blamed on the controversial Vacuum Brain chip, or "V-Chip", which aims to automate the routine motions of the machines. According to cyborg professional Dr Kevin Warwick, Henry and Basil are "quite decent... the bonniest wee men I know. The kind of guys you'd buy a pint for if you were lost." He has since been sucked in half by Henries.

Latest reports suggest Surrey has imploded, Berkshire is absconding with its neighbours, Wales has stopped completely and the Isle of Wight is sunk off Cherbourg after a nuclear reverse thrust effect.

STOP PRESS: President G W Bush tells us "my finger's hoovering over the button, sonny".

Edna Justinal - Cleaning Operative
Britain looks set to be blasted through history tonight as fighting intensifies between rival factions in the Henry versus Basil "vacuum war". Cleaning staff throughout the country have fallen foul of their own wet/dry appliances, which onlookers claim have acquired sentience and lights. Ostensibly a conflict between two complementary models in Numatic's budget medium-duty range, the machines are taking no prisoners in their ongoing rampage through the schools, offices and temples of the realm. The fighting sparked off yesterday afternoon, shortly after home-time at Penge C.E. Primary. Security footage shows cleaning operative Gladys Cracky slowly losing control of her Henry. Once free, it shoots off backwards down a corridor under its own steam, smashing into the school Basil. The two devices are then seen to rear about and attack each other with gusto and attachments.	Let battle commence
	This and subsequent incidents across the land have been blamed on the controversial Vacuum Brain chip, or "V-Chip", which aims to automate the routine motions of the machines. According to cyborg professional Dr Kevin Warwick, Henry and Basil are "quite decent... the bonniest wee men I know. The kind of guys you'd buy a pint for if you were lost." He has since been sucked in half by Henries.	Latest reports suggest Surrey has imploded, Berkshire is absconding with its neighbours, Wales has stopped completely and the Isle of Wight is sunk off Cherbourg after a nuclear reverse thrust effect. STOP PRESS: President G W Bush tells us "my finger's hoovering over the button, sonny".