Enjoying the ride

Fleur Dackley - Ideal Home Dept.

Stanhill, the internationally acclaimed stairlift manufacturer and sole employer of Thora Hird, has clinched the lucrative contract for John Prescott's visionary "Stairlift To Hell". "The number of doomed souls is on the rise, so to speak," joked Prescott feebly. "This project will ease congestion on the route into Hades. I won't be testing it meself though - I'm too young to die as yet." Gloria Hunniford was drafted in at short notice to trial the dangerous machine. "Well, I've never seen anything like... arrrgh!" explained Gloria, her face contorting comically as the device roared into life, exposing the popular TV presenter to a force of 8G and an accidental 4000V. Technical Director U. Hafing-Ullaf flushed a small toilet quickly at Gloria as she pulled away to the accompaniment of DJ Shadow's human beatbox. "This represents a quantum leap in the historical development of the Stanhill stairlift" cried the director. "At last we have the technology to send Gloria away from this place." The stairlift to hell will allow passengers a once-in-a-lifetime ride for the princely sum of £666. The waiting list already includes such big names as Shabba Ranks, Robin Cook and Vanessa Feltz, although she will require extra struts. We asked Hafing-Ullaf why the stairlift is proving so popular. "I've no idea," he whispered, "but I do know that at the other end the devil parades on your bonce."