Jo Tice - Canologist Tiny can (Inset: Jam)
The Big Apple rolled to a halt yesterday when a tiny can materialised on Fifth Avenue. The obstructive tin, measuring less than twenty centilitres in volume, is believed to contain an unidentified residue and some bad air. Citizens are reported to be "simply too scared" to go near. Traffic cop Benny Ogley was the first New Yorker to become aware of the can's presence. "I could see something out of the corner of my eye," Mr Ogley told us. "Something small, but not unbecoming." Within microseconds the entire road system had snarled up like a big roaring granny knot. "And once the word got out about the can, people started sealing  themselves  into  their		cars... by suction". Military helicoptors are currently in battle with the small container, which is defending itself fiercely via the power of the mind. "You're within moments of the kill," explained Rear Admiral Grace Hopper, "when you suddenly realise what it is you're fighting against. It's a tiny can - dig? Who's gonna pull the trigger?" The coptor count over the stricken city is rising into the thousands; we asked the Rear Admiral if we could expect any mid-air collisions. "At this rate, that's the only way we're ever gonna crush this goddamn can!" she screamed, uncontrollably. STOP PRESS: The can has been consumed utterly by a child.