Basil Mant - Papal Correspondent

Vasquez makes a futile effort to hold back the Pope

The Pope and his Leyland-built parade vehicle flew right off the face of the planet yesterday when a land-speed record attempt went hideously right. The rocket-boosted Popemobile attained escape velocity on an autobahn near Bonn, having accelerated from a standing start within the Vatican walls. "We were aiming just below the sound barrier," claimed Cardinal Vasquez, the leader of the Fast Pope project. "His Holiness only went and broke it ten miles shy of the Italian border." Frantic papal communications ensued, but John-Paul insisted that he wanted to go "much faster than the speed of light" in order to prove that science was wrong. Onlookers throughout Central Europe were left stunned or grilled. Peasants drove through the streets in open-top buses hailing the miracle that had just burned them up at the lights. "His Holiness has ascended unto the almighty atop a flaming chariot," suggested a German abbot who had witnessed the record-breaking take-off. "No doubt he shall receive just honour in heaven from Roy Castle and that Norris McWhirter." As The Headlines went to press, NASA had lost all contact with the vehicle.